Living the Dream

When we tell people about The Quad, the most common response is, "You are living the dream."

Whenever any of us mention The Quad to other people, the most common response is, “You’re living the dream!” I know we are living our dream but if living with friends is a common dream, I wonder about the barriers that make doing so seem so unusual.

It’s easy to write about our gardens and home improvement plans but it is harder to write about how we got here because I want it to feel easy and achievable. I believe that we would all be better off living in community, especially as the world around us shifts and the safety nets that many of us have counted on disappear. But the truth is that it took work to get to this point and it takes work to live with other people, no matter how much you love them and enjoy their company.

At The Quad, we are a group of very different people. Our brains work differently which means we approach projects and problems differently. We don’t always agree and we don’t always feel heard. Some of us are planners and some of us want and need more flexibility. We come from different socioeconomic backgrounds and different cultures. We bring our baggage with us just like everyone else.

So, the work now is not about finding a place and sorting out the financial pieces of buying it together. The work now is the ongoing work of respecting each other, recognizing the unique gifts each of us bring to any situation, and continuing to hone the communication skills that helped us get this far. This doesn’t work because we are all the same. It works because we put effort into making it work.

Last week, I stood around my kitchen island with my friends as we dished up the sorbet I had made with the cherries from our tree. Kristen had grabbed some mint from our garden to garnish the dishes and said, “You have to slap it to bring the oils out.” So, we slapped some mint and placed it on top of the servings of sorbet before digging into it. We talked and laughed and planned the next ice cream, the next garden project, the next gathering, the next small dream that is part of this big dream of life here together. I could easily see the beauty of that moment.

Last weekend, we removed the last of the garden beds and put in a bee lawn. There were also rain garden and concrete-moving projects going on at the same time. It was hot and humid and the work was physically demanding. Manual labor in the heat will make just about anyone crabby and we all had our moments of impatience and frustration to work through. It’s harder to see the beauty in those moments but it is there too.

It’s there in taking a breath and listening to someone else’s suggestion. It’s there in realizing that someone just needs to understand why you want to do something a certain way. It’s there in stepping in when you see someone struggling. It’s there when someone suggests you take a water break even though you are totally fine thank you very much. It’s there when you choose not to take something personally and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. And it’s there when you step back at the end of a long, hot weekend and see how much you accomplished together. All of that is beautiful too.

All of this is to say that this is not our first rodeo. We’ve had a lot of rodeos. We could join the rodeo pro circuit, assuming we are still speaking metaphorically. We didn’t jump right into owning property and living together. Our first project started in the late 1990s.

Several of us had bought older homes around the same time and realized that home ownership is a lot of work. Fixing up an old house—inside and outside—can be daunting. So, we came together to help each other work on our homes.

Then, we had children around the same time and wanted our children to be cared for by people they knew, people who were personally invested in their growth and development. So, we came together to care for each others’ children.

As family life became busy and overwhelming, we talked about how hard it was to balance scheduled activities, cooking, and having time together as a family. So, we set up a cooking rota and dinner exchange, meaning each family had a couple nights each week when they didn’t have to think about preparing a meal.

These were formalized cooperative efforts, and it was through these formal projects that we learned to navigate our differences, to resolve conflict, and to build community. I know that I am a better person as a result.

Community is hard work but it is work worth doing. Building community isn’t all fresh sorbet and mint. Sometimes, it’s dirty, sweaty work but it can be done. What do you want or need? Who might be able to help? That’s how you start.

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Pictures from around The Quad…