Being Known

At the grocery store last weekend, Luisa got our usual deli order, while I picked up a few other things on our list. As we made our way to check out, she laughed and said, “If I were you, I’d never go back to the deli counter again—they know my order by heart now.”

When I was a social worker, I worked at the Hennepin County Government Center and would often grab lunch from a particular deli in the skyway. I always got the same thing and then, one day, I walked up to the counter and the person said, “Hi Vikki! We’ll get started on your sandwich.” I’m guessing most people would appreciate that level of personal service but I was felt a little panicky. I was no longer anonymous; I was known, and being known even superficially like that unsettled me for some reason and I never went back to that deli again.

Most people are fine with being seen superficially and wouldn’t give up a really good sandwich simply for anonymity, and some people are even comfortable being known deeply. Like most of us, I want to be seen and known but it isn’t always easy.

Living in community with my friends over the years, first as a close circle in different places and now here at The Quad together, I have had to grapple with this desire for connection while also finding it scary sometimes. Connection requires intimacy, requires that we allow others in, that we let them see who we are, that we give and take—not always in equal measure. Being known is not always comfortable.

It makes me think of the song True Blue by Boy Genius and the line, “And it feels good to be known so well; I can’t hide from you like I hide from myself.” Being known is a revelation. We come to know each other when we reveal ourselves to each other, not just by our words and what we choose to share, but by our actions and how we are in the world. This includes the best of who we are but also the imperfect parts, the parts we try to hide. Anonymity can feel protective but it can also be lonely.

Last Friday was my last day at work and I honestly didn’t know how I felt about it. But at some point during the day, each person here at The Quad asked me how I was feeling. It was a lot, especially when I didn’t feel like talking about it. But that a lot-ness is a beautiful thing. They showed up to mark this transition, to check in, to be angry on my behalf, and to celebrate the possibility in whatever comes next. I didn’t have to be happy or sad or anything at all. I could just be. That is the gift of being known.

That evening, we gathered for a potluck Happy Hour on the deck. It was an amazing spread and when I look at the eclectic mix of things, I see all of us there, what each of us literally and figuratively brings to the table. We toasted to my unemployment and then we ate and drank and talked over each other and we were there, in the moment, and it was just what I needed.

It feels good to be known so well.

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Pictures from around The Quad this week…

Top left to right: Raquel and I weeding the garlic and spinach, our cute little crabapple tree, Susan and Kris planting our choke cherry tree

Bottom left to right: Kristen and Luisa creating a path to the patio from the fourth unit, clematis blooming on the patio, morning coffee and a great view

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